Major John Andre, head of British Secret Servi…

Major John Andre, head of British Secret Service during the American War of Independence. He was executed for espionage by the American Continental Congress in 1780 for his assistance in Benedict Arnold’s attempted surrender of West Point to the British.

fuckyeahhistorycrushes: Nicholas II of RussiaF…


Nicholas II of Russia
For our 100th post, I’m going to do one of my personal top history crushes.
[This mod is a huge sucker for the Romanovs; this may get long.]

Nicholas II was the last tsar of Russia, and part of the famous Romanov house. He was both a cutie and a downrightgood lookin’hunk of man. He also had a perfect beard. And I wish he were my papa, because he was a happy, adorable father as well. But his story is not a very happy one.

When he succeeded his father in 1894, he had very little experience; unfortunately for him, it showed. He thought expansion into Manchuria sounded fabulous, but Japan kicked his ass, resulting in riots in Russia. In January 1905, on ‘Bloody Sunday’, the army in St Petersburg shot at a crowd demanding radical reforms. People really started hating on Nick, and he pretty much was forced to grant a constitution and establish a parliament, the Duma. Yeah whatever, he still had a lot of control.

So WWI comes along and Nicky decides “HEY I’m the TSAR and I have POWER, so I’m going to directly command the Russian army!” Bad move, Nicho. This only lead to every failure that the military felt to be directly associated with him. His image was crying.

Nicholas stayed out of the public eye a lot [no surprise there], letting his wife, Alexandra, be the voice of the government. She wore the pants in their relationship, anyway. Russia was looking pretty awful by this time; people were broke and starving, and they had Alexandra and her BFF Rasputin to point their shaky fingers at.

In December 1916, Rasputin was [finally] killed, and a few months later huge riots and demonstrations had taken over St. Petersburg. The army finally said “screw you” and Nick had no alternative but to abdicate. A sad little provisional government was established in their place, later overthrown by the Bolsheviks.

Here’s where things get super sad for the former tsar. So the Bolsheviks decide to keep Nicholas and his family as prisoners, essentially. On July 17 1918, as anti-Bolsheviks approached Yekaterinburg, the family was moved to another room; they thought they were being put somewhere more safe because of the protesters. Just kidding! Here’s some executioners with revolvers pointed at you instead [this was probably Vladimir Lenin’s doing].

They say Nick’s last words were “you know not what you do.” He was the first one to die. His 4 girls survived the first hail of bullets; the sisters were wearing over 1.3 kilograms of diamonds and gems on their clothing, which served as freaking armor. The poor girls were then stabbed with bayonets and shot at close range in the head.

And so ends the sad, fail life of Nicholas II. Welp, at least he looked good.

fuckyeahhistorycrushes: Leonardo da Vincisarie…


Leonardo da Vinci
sariebearie asked: Leonardo da Vinci! or Salai. 😀

Sounds like we have an Assassins Creed fan, hmm? No? Maybe? Well, either way, we definitely need to get Leo in this blog right now. He really was quite a gorgeous man, with a beautifully sculpted nose and very pretty eyes. And if you have ever played the Assassins Creed games, you would know he’s downright adorable in them.

Leo played a huge role in the Italian Renaissance. He was not only an artist and sculptor, but an inventor, scientist and engineer as well. Great looks and a creative genius, what more could you want? Well, unfortunately, ladies, there’s a good chance he was gay. So very sorry.

Leonardo da Vinci was born on April 15th, 1452 near the Tuscan town of Vinci, hence his last name. He was merely an illegitimate son of a local lawyer, but his talents became known when he began an apprenticeship under Andrea del Verrocchio in Florence. It wasn’t long before he became an independent master, and in about 1483 he moved to Milan to work for the ruling Sforza family. From 1495 to 1497 he produced a mural of The Last Supper in the refectory of the Monastery of Santa Maria delle Grazie, Milan.

In 1499 the French invaded Milan and forced the Sforza family and Leo to get the hell out of there. Leo wandered around Venice and Florence for a while, and, you know, just painted that unpopular Mona Lisa painting. Nothing big or anything. From there he returned to Milan for a while until 1517 when, at the invitation of the French king Francis I, Leo moved to the Château of Cloux, near Amboise in France. It was there he died on May 2nd, 1519.

I just need to reinforce the fact that this guy was not just an amazing artist, but a pioneering scientist. The guy wrote and drew all about geology, anatomy, optics, gravity, even flight. Many argue this badass invented the parachute, tank, helicopter, bicycle and airplane a good 500 years ahead of their time. Oh yeah, and he wrote this all in left-handed mirrored script. Yeah. Try it. It’s not easy.

One of my favorite da Vinci stories, however, was when Florence hired him to paint a scene of Milan and Florence forces fighting. Oh god, what a mess. The painting was called the Battle of Anghiari. Leo planned this painting for two freaking years, and when he finally began working on it on the Palazzo Vecchio, he thought it would be a good idea to use wax to bind it to the wall. So he’s painting this thing and then a huge storm hits Florence and gets the wall all wet. But Leo is all like “hey, no worries, I’ll just dry this baby off and be back in business!” He takes all these heating pots and sets them around the room to dry out the walls, but uh, Leo, man, you were painting with wax. So yeah, you guessed it. Leo comes back to see his whole painting has just melted off the wall and into a puddle. He was so frustrated he ended up only finishing a tiny bit of it. Never tried to paint it again. Awww. Even a genius makes mistakes!

fuckyeahhistorycrushes: Julius Caesarcaffeinei…


Julius Caesar
caffeineinthebloodstream answered: julius caesar!

Been a while since I wrote one of these! ABOUT TIME! So lets get ancient here and check out this sexy Roman dictator. He has quite a beautifully sculpted face, and I don’t just mean that literally.

Julius Caesar was born in Rome in 100 BC. He was incredibly political savvy. In 61-60 BC, he served as governor of the Roman province of Spain, then when he returned to Rome his buddies helped him get elected as consul for 59 BC. The following year he was appointed governor of Roman Gaul, gathered up modern France and Belgium and added it to his Roman empire collection.

He hung out in Britain for a while, and when he came back to Italy there was all a big civil war going down, but he rocked that shit. Pompey, the republican leader, fled to Egypt where he was assassinated. Caesar followed him, and it was there that he fell in love with the sexy Egyptian queen, Cleopatra. Oh my, Julius. Getting scandalous.

Anyway, Caesar was now master of Rome and made himself dictator for life in 44 BC. He used his power to carry out much-needed reform, and his ambition allowed him to do be quite successful in doing so. His popularity really alienated and quite frankly pissed off the republican senators, so group of these, led by Cassius and Brutus, assassinated Caesar on the Ides (15) of March 44 BC. This event sparked the final round of civil wars that ended the Republic and brought about the elevation of Caesar’s great nephew and designated heir, Octavian, as Augustus, the first emperor.

fuckyeahhistorycrushes: Wilhelm II Goodness me…


Wilhelm II

Goodness me, those clothes are certainly not too shabby, sir.

So Will was the last German emperor [kaiser] and king of Prussia. He was born on January 27, 1859 in Berlin. He was actually born with a gimpy, withered left arm, but he did a pretty darn good job of keeping it hidden! Can’t be kaiser with a wimpy arm, now can you?

By age 29 he was made kaiser, and started working very hard on pumping up the German army/navy. He also had quite a bit of family angst; he was ruthless towards the British, but also adored his grandmother, Queen Victoria. Awww.

In 1914 the Austrians were getting slapped around a bit and Wilhelm basically told them “hey guys don’t be wimps, I’ll back you up if you get into a war okay?” This little memo kinda freaked out Russia and their buddies, they attacked Germany and Austria, and BAM. World War I.

And as history goes, Germany failed, thanks to shortages of men and materials from those years of attrition-based trench warfare. Wilhelm was forced to abdicate and went into exile in the Netherlands. He died on June 4, 1941.

And I just kind of love this picture. Hahaha.

fuckyeahhistorycrushes: Albrecht Dürerthenicep…


Albrecht Dürer
answered: albrect durer!

Well ain’t this guy a cutie. Frizzy curly hair and a floppy hat. Gotta love those gloves too, yes indeed.

I’ll be completely honest here, I don’t actually know all that much about Albrecht. I know he was a painter. He was also an important innovator of watercolor painting and of woodcut and engraving. He was awesome, and pretty much didn’t turn away from any subject or medium. Painting of Jesus? You got it. Copper engraving of your dog? No problem. This guy was smart and talented and pretty much everything you’d want in a man… well, except for the being dead part.

fuckyeahhistorycrushes: Augustusbobcatsaltypre…


answered: augustus had some balls

Why yes he did. Augustus was the first emperor of Rome. He had the balls to replace the Roman republic with an effective monarchy. He was born Gaius Octavius on September 23, 63 BC, but decided to take the Madonna approach and go with one name: Augustus [which means ‘lofty’ or ‘serene’ by the way]. He didn’t look too shabby either. He had nice hair, wore those leaves well.

So great uncle is assassinated, Augustus fights in his honor and rocks that shit, takes over Rome and founds the principate. He then continues to build up Rome to be down right gorgeous, gets his face plastered on everything and even supports the local arts! He did some serious expansion all around Germany I believe, but then he lost it. At least he tried hard!

Unfortunately this guy became a total grump in his last years. He suffered a ton of military failure, his grandsons all died, economy suffered, so I guess it was somewhat justified, but he seriously became REALLY bitter. In fact he pretty much exiled anybody who cracked a joke about him. No sense of humor at all. Turned into an angry dictator in his final days. Not a cool way to go out, bro.

fuckyeahhistorycrushes: Napoleon Bonaparte cat…


Napoleon Bonaparte 
answered: look at the man on your icon. so, it’s him 😀
I will start going through your answers to this question! Because you all suggested some fabulous historical figures.

So check this guy out. Mistah Napoleon, stylish motherfucker, and one of the greatest military leaders in history and emperor of France. He wasn’t even really that short, contrary to popular belief [around 5’7" (1.7 metres) or so]. This guy knew how to wear a jacket. And look, even his tights were embroidered. That is dedication to image right there. He didn’t look too shabby either; I happen to think he had a very nice strong nose. Not to mention he has the most epic and famous horse ride of any guy ever.

So Napoleon grew up learning how to run a military and in 1796, was made commander of the French army in Italy, where he forced Austria and its allies to be friends. Then he hung out in Egypt for a while, but the British were all “little man don’t you touch our Indian trade routes” so that didn’t work out too well.

Eventually he made it back to Paris where he became emperor and did cool things like oversee the centralization of government, create the Bank of France and make a civil code that he named after himself because he is that fabulous.

Then Napoleon got pretty busy with his wars. For a few years he managed to get the kids to stop fighting while papa France ruled the continent, but then in 1803 Britain threw a fit again, gathered her buddies Russia and Austria, and attacked. Britain started beating up France on the seas, so Napoleon was all like “okay plan B” and smacked down the Austro-Russian forces instead.

So during all this he got a shit ton of territory, including annexation of Prussian lands which ostensibly gave him control of Europe. The Holy Roman Empire was dissolved, Holland and Westphalia created, and Napoleon’s relatives and loyalists became leaders in Holland, Westphalia, Italy, Naples, Spain and Sweden. Little dude had taken the world by storm.

AND THEN. The Peninsular War, 1808. Things start to go downhill for him as France starts to suck again. And later he was all “hey Russia, would you mind if I just-” and Russia was like “no, get out.” As if things couldn’t get worse, in March 1814, Paris fell and Napoleon went into exile on the island of Elba. This made him pretty sad, but at least he was still an emperor. Technically. Of Elba, that is.

In March 1815 he put his badassery to the test. He escaped Elba and freaking marched onto the French capital alone. And guess what, France took him back. So then he kicked some butts for 100 days, but unfortunately The Battle of Waterloo put an end to that second reign pretty quickly. In the end, the British finally imprisoned him on the remote Atlantic island of St Helena, where he died on May 5th, 1821.

And so ends the impressive life story of Mr. Bonaparte.

fuckyeahhistorycrushes: Thomas PaineRequested …


Thomas Paine
Requested by anonymous!

Tom had an absolutely adorable dorky smile. What’s not to love about that? Seriously, stare at that smile for a few minutes and tell me there’s not something charming about it. I bet he had some amazing pickup lines.

This guy wrote the famous Common Sense, which was, quite literally, about common sense. During the 1700s, America was trying to get out from under English rule, but many people were still loyal to the crown or they just didn’t give a shit. His writing basically said that the British were being control freaks and colonists deserve to be treated better, only he wrote it with such eloquence that it convinced many of the neutralists and even some loyalists to join in the revolution. Thanks, Tom!

Oh yeah, he also has this awesome action shot statue with a quill pen. Go long!

fuckyeahhistorycrushes: Peter the Great of Rus…


Peter the Great of Russia
Request from sailorjess!

First of all, can we take a moment to appreciate those CURLS? Because those are some down right gorgeous curls. Hot damn.

Moment of respect for curls taken? Good, lets continue.

Not only did this guy have his baby face, CURLS, and unadulterated SWANK, but he also gave Russia a major makeover during his time. He westernized everything, established schools, brought over some delicious potatoes, started a newspaper, gave women the right to attend social gatherings, improved the Russian armed forces and navy, and a whole lot of other exciting things.

Oh yeah, and the beautiful St. Petersburg? All him, baby.

Perhaps the most exciting, however, was the fact he forced men to shave off their large bushy beards. That’s right, ladies [or other men, I’m not judging] no longer had to kiss a face full of wiry dense bristles, that is, not unless the man wanted to pay a beard tax. Yeah. If you wanted to keep that beard, you had to pay a tax for it.

Good show, Peter I. Good show.